Carrying you upside down

It's been 37 weeks now, she said
I do not understand the calculation, dear, so let's just let her do the counting for us.
I have taken you everywhere I go, through my ups and downs.
I only hope you wouldn't see me as a careless person once you finally meet me.

She said I should be expecting to meet you in person in no so distant future
And my biggest fear was I couldn't be there for you in every occasion.
There are loads of minor fears, I have to say, but lets just keep it just for me.

I am nowhere near perfection, you must know.
I just hope I'm nowhere near embarrassment for you in the future.
It will be tough for the both of us, I assure you.
And I must apologize in advance for that, before my ego takes place later on.

For these past 10 weeks or so, I carry you upside down.
I know it's not comfortable for you, as you were jumping around, and all I can do is watch.
I could do nothing to help you find the way out,
but you have to know, I'm keeping you safe and sound, protected by my own self.

I am looking forward to meet you in person soon.
Please be healthy and strong, you.

---
TQ

The Light

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4UXKo-Nsg8

Sara Bareilles - The Light

*I do hope the video shows up, haha*

Anyway, I fell in love with the lyric, which goes like this:

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew

That song supposed to be my wedding song, well one of my wedding song. But the wedding singer screwed up my list with some cheesy song of 'mau di baaaawa ke manaaaaa hubungan kitaaaaa', thank you very much mr. (or was it a ms.?) wedding singer! Luckily hamtaro put me on chain which made me behave and stayed there on stage for 2 long hours.

No person in their right mind would take my hands and have the guts to stay there for the rest of his life (yep, in contrary to some person's belief, I married a MALE), so there we were, married.

Anywaaaay, I was about to write about the song. This song reminded me of hamtaro. Well, at least the first verse *ahem*. The second verse is more loveydovey, but no problem. Still loved the song.

I'm a pain in the ass for most persons I know, that's not a big surprise. I'm not like the stereotype girls who gets along with a person when first met and then grew apart. I put my friends in the edge of sanity and then all of us grew. The direction is questionable, but the thing is both sides learnt something. Most of persons would turn their backs and thought they've finally met a heartless creature claiming as human being. and I would probably walked away with the thought of 'ah, another normal being'.

But he stayed, hamtaro stayed. What more can I ask? :)

---

TiQi Bo

Normalcy

Stay low, blend in.

Be anonymous.

Take the corner seats, avoid eye contacts.

Vanish as soon as it ends.

I'm into normalcy. I tried to be some mediocre and be another decoration for the room. I succeeded for three years now, why wouldn't I continue doing so? It's fun, it's fun. Watching the world evolves without getting involved.

But no, can't do. Because of some stupid tests not even me know why I answered correctly. Then all eyes were on me. No fun, no fun. I chose the back seat and wished I faded. Automatically, I lost this privilege of being unknown. Normal.

I wished I could lie, I wish I could pretend it didn't happen. I just wanted to sit back and enjoy the circus show, without being an actual performer. No, sir, not me. I hated the spotlight, I hated the crowd. I hated being shown as some rare endangered species.

Wish not granted. I am now stuck with this crowd for another short yet never ending period of my life. All eyes on me as I make a move. They all assume I had some sort of strategy in mind to win it all. Watch me carefully, as my action is, and always will be, as impulsive as my thoughts.

And all I wanted to be was normalcy.

Planned Life

It may seem a little bit surprising for some people who knows me, but I had my life planned. Every single step, with some back up plans just in case the main plan doesn't work.

My careless actions, my impulsive thoughts, my lunatic understanding of life... They are being carefully calculated. I spent my idle time picturing the actions I have taken and the next plans I have to deal ahead. Well, actually it's called daydreaming with my eyes closed and me drooling *ahem*.

The thing is, I don't share my plans. Go through all my posts in this blog, you'll find none of my plans revealed. I'm selfish, I am. I am also afraid of stepping ahead what God has planned for me, so I'll just kept silent and keep you guys posted when the result comes up. All my success, my failure, my progress, it's a part of my planned life.

So, no regrets. Things happen for their own reasons. In time, you'd understand the reason. Right now? Just don't spoil all the fun by telling everyone about your plans. A secret makes a woman. And I think, I'm on my way to be one. :)

If my plans fail? Well, suck it up. Learn from it. Move on. I may bleed, I may cry, I might protest on how things went. But in the end? I am the one, the only one, who lives upon my own decisions, my own plans. So, there's no other suggestion on how to deal with my unfulfilled plans other than to just move on. Life doesn't stop, why would I stop trying to plan my next actions?

---

TiQi Bo

Still trying to figure out my next step. :)

This Ain't The Fairy Tale

Every girl, I repeat, every single girl in this world, has her fairy tale living inside herself. Yes, you girls born with vaginas and later grow boobs, should admit it. How fearless you might seem, how independent you might be, how artificial your body are, deep there, there’s this Cinderella, Pocahontas, Barbie, Snow White selves. Don’t buy it? Did you recall the last time you went home, driving by yourself, and suddenly the sound system just blast Maroon 5’s *errr, I forgot the song… the one with, ‘I don’t mind standing everyday, right on your corner…’ lyric?* that song, and suddenly you felt like when you came home, it’ll be raining and there would be Adam Levine standing on your doorway? No? Never? Well, it’s just me then.

But come on drama queens. No matter how much you hated those sinetrons on tv, you are still looking for that spotlight, and pretend that you’re the lead character in your story of life. Sometimes you took part as the scriptwriter as well. You wanted things to go as you picture it, as you planned it. Still don’t believe me? Well just go throw yourself to one shopping mall with an unlimited credit card, and just report to me on what have you splurge.

(That's me... being the Oh-So-Beautiful-Princess-With-Giraffe-Headed-Tiara)

The thing is, my fellow fairy tale princess friends… *tidying up my tiara* There’s this other creature who was born with penis attached and later grow a filter for those loveydovey things, named man. Male, for exact. Now, they don’t think like those princes in fairy tales. Have you been watching prince William? Well, scratch off the fact that he’s hat-genic, still he’s no prince in fairy tale. He still waited for 9 years to propose and went to the office after his wedding. Now, I don’t think that’s what Kate Middleton had in mind. But then, she compromised. She tore the papers of her fairy tale and wrote her story all over again. So much for marrying a prince. ☺

Anyway, having this male creature living on the same earth, meaning we, as fairy tale princesses (Tidying up my tiara… again), have to compromise. So don’t expect for some guy waiting for you under the rain when you came home, because you’ll be defeated by football, soccer, automobiles, motorbikes, boxing (!). No, the guy would like completely ignore your existence in this world when it happens. And (say) if there’s GP racing, their favorite club on match, and gadgets on the show, you should just fade away gracefully, because not only that you did not exist in their minds, your fairy tale story is also falling apart. Trust me, from all the case studies I stalk observe, they wouldn’t even care if you walk around naked are lost inside this jungle and tried to call him.

So, nope, this ain’t the fairy tale. Unless you’re a lesbian. Errr… that would make it more complicated for your life, so I would suggest to stay on your track. ☺

---

TiQi Bo

photo courtesy of Ayu Wiryodisastro

blinded

Dear me,
Have you seen your reflection in the mirror lately?
Have you looked into yourself?
Have you listen to what your heart say?

Because honestly,
It's been so hard to love you.
You look like a pile of shit.
That, you do.

Dear me,
Please give up trying.
You would never win the fight against life.
Life won't take control of yourself either.


yours truly,
mind.

why so serious?

Miv, a friend of mine stated: 'if you're taking this seriously, you should picture you guys being an item'
I was... shocked. What does she mean... by... serious... ?
To be true, I avoid taking anything in my life seriously. Gives me shivers. Jinx. Whatever you may name them. I don't know, I'm a coward when it came to the word 'serious'. Kept hiding from it.
And apparently, the friend who suggest me to get serious with my choices of life, tends to break down every single month. Bleeding openly of her targets which were not fulfilled.
I had my break down. I got bleed. I got scars. At least, by not taking things seriously, I tend to forget those things. Covering it up with a smile, a laughter, another spoken dreams.
This is how I handle my life. Keeping it on the edge of sanity. Handling things with the best way I know, by taking them lightly.
So, Why so serious? Come to me again?

---
TiQi Bo

changes

everybody expect themselves to change
to adjust with the environment
to fit in the other person
to get along with the situation

at times i just hope
the environment tries to adjust with who i am
the other person would just understands me
the situation supports for my being

is it so hard for a girl to just be perfect in her own world?
at this lifetime? the answer is 'hell yeah'

so for the time being, i'm evolving.
and at the other time, i want people to just take me for me.

Last Month

Last few month was one hell of an experience for me. My friends got jaw-dropped for the journey I've made. Why do I have to spill about it now? Well, certainly, I won't spill bluntly on my trips, as always. I just want to let my friends know, the trips, the journeys, or whatever you may call it, every ride has it consequences. Just so you know. :)
So where should I start. I'm not good at memorizing dates, so let's start with Batam story. My office held a meeting there. Usual things: hotel rooms, long-boring-tiring meetings, and stumbled relationships with other human being :p. Business trip, mate... No matter how fun it sounds for you, for me, if it involves dealing with a group of human being, just erase the word 'fun' from my forehead. I'll be grumpy, as always. :)
After Batam, I head off to Singapore. Along with the annoying group of human beings. From all of the trip I've been, this trip is hell. I repeat... HELL. slow walking pace, different point of interest, unstopped yapping, restless critics. Enough of it already! I should've just head home straight after the business trip. At least I know, one or two human being is fine... groups of human being? No. No. Nonononono. No. Nonono!
After that, I stayed in Jakarta for some time, and continue my business trip. *sounds really important, huh? business trip. I never knew, it'd sound this way :p*. I went off to Bali. Yeah-yeah, you can scream and hop around when you heard Bali. But the tight schedule from 8 AM - 10 PM?! Just bite me. Fortunately, I've got friends who cared about me. Thank you Dedeq, Eiy, Intan, Cik Jean, and Aura. You girls made my business trip more fun! I thank you all.
I dragged my ass right after Bali. I have to head off for my personal matters :). That ass-dragging to the airport was one experience to tell.
If you say it was fun, I have to admit the trips were great! But still, I need some rest and a place to come home to by the end of the trip. Those trips are exhausting. They really are.

Hail trips! :D

---
TiQi Bo

Reversed Order Mechanism

I am tired of inhaling air
Just to exhale it out to the open air again

It's exhausting and meaningless
And it takes loads of efforts from my whole body

But it's something that keeps me alive, though
Yet my life, even though it's going nowhere at the moment
It has a meaning
Maybe not for me, but for those who I care most

Yep
I need to exhale
Let out all the carbon dioxide
To inhale my dosage of air
And fill in my lung with oxygen

At least I survived another blink of an eye.

---
TiQi Bo

Taking life seriously

A friend of mine asked me, am I always taking things light and easy and being unserious.
Well, I take things light and easy, but mind you... I take things seriously. I only got a life to live, how can I not be taking things seriously? With the fact that no one come back from death? Yeah, rite... Things from this life is what I'm taking for the afterlife. Hmm, to think of it... Let's just picture I won't go to hell, shall we?
The thing is, even though I'm serious, I can't help myself to see things from a different perspective. The perspective normal people couldn't see. And I express those visions through my gesture and actions. So yeah, I'm being not normal, I'm the weird, the freak, the geek. But it doesn't mean I don't take things seriously.
Come on, people! If I'm not taking life seriously, would you think I felt the obligation to even continue my phase of life from being a student to someone that actually make money? (and my friend Sendang would just have to shut her mouth about how much I make in a month, compared to her... :p).
I'm not always fun to hang out with. I bitch about my life. I felt down at times and just lay down on my floor. I project where am I going to be in the near future. I did those normal stuff, in my own way.
Now I'm not expecting everyone would understand how I handle things and how I set my priorities. It'll be awkward and I'll be crystal clear for world to see about my moves. I may seem random, but hey... there's always an order in chaos. You just have to solve the riddle.
And that, my friend... made you qualified enough to be my friend.

---
TiQi Bo

certainly uncertain

People change. OK, you might deny that matter, so let's say... condition changes... Some were fortunate enough to keep up with those changes, and the others were less fortunate...
I got news coming from my friends lately. I was so thrilled to heard their success and tried to be *well* who I am when they're down. *geez, remind me to call Munyun... Hope she's doing fine... I kept forgetting to call her* *wait, what didn't I forgot???*. Which apparently shock me was my decision of keeping my friends in my life after listening them bitching :p.
Have you ever felt like giving up on a friend? Let him/her out of your circle? Never let him/her affect the condition surrounds you? Well, I have. Lots of times. But then, they are the reason I kept going until now. I may not like them, I may think they were useless, but well, they are who I am at the moment. The past Bo? It's who I share with the past persons in my life.
But well, I can't keep running in circle in a long time. So I might have to 'recycle' once in a while. Like hitting the 'refresh' button on your computer screen. Meet up new people. Gather up new inside jokes. Sharing life with new crowds. Life pushed me to be a traveler. Always will.
I can't predict and chose who I'll end up with. Which crowd I'd hang out. Because life itself is uncertain. Certainly uncertain :).

---
TiQi Bo

friends

I found this sentence, which describe what friends really mean to me:
Friends... they never let you do stupid things... alone. :p

I like being anonymous. I mean, well yeah, I know that girl and that guy and that douche bag (err... ok), but well, I like being behind the scene. I don't need any fame.
The thing is. My friends. They're not much, but uhm... how can I say this in a positive way? They're one of a kind. :)
So there's a PDA couple, and there's a long distance house wife that had emotional problems *especially when she's having her period... aaaaarrrrgggghhhh, YOU HAVE TO KNOW, IT'S KILLING MEEEE... but well, you're my friend*, and the kopet-ah-oh only talking guy, the girl who dated someone who's already been a husband to someone else, and there's a guy who constantly showed up in my YM every day, the guy that YMed me just to ask why didn't I join him watching 'Akibat Pergaulan Bebas' *errr, menurut looooo???*, etc, etc, etc...
I don't mind being friends with them, because after all, they're the one who could stand me being impulsive. Me being a total lunatic. Me crying my eyes out. Me being serious.
And I do believe with all my *borrowed* heart, each and everyone of them deserve happiness. What ever, how ever, and when ever it is.
So yeah, I might scream, I might kick.punch.stab.toyor2., I might say how stupid you are, I might give you millions of reasons of doing exactly the opposite of what you're doing. But when all the arguing is done, I'll be there to support you. I'll stand behind you.
No worries, cha... I might not be the best friend you would ever know, but I'm giving you an offer of having an anonymous friend. A friend that stays when the show is over.

:)

Senggol Bacok

If someday... someday... you walk into a room, with me not looking stupid and idle. With me paying attention to something and seems careless about the chaos outside the my world. With me not munching or having the desire to grab something to eat. With me singing random song and headbanging. With me not the regular me.
It's a sign. Ow, yes it is.
Senggol. Bacok. :)

meheheheheheheheeheh muehehehehehehehe...
*yes. midnite craze*

But well. My blood sign doesn't allow me to sit silently for such time. Give me two hours and I'll just close my tabs in my screen and trying to bite someone that passes me by.
That, my friend, is a sign. Ow, yes it is.
Me. Hungry.

huehehehehheeh muhueeeheheheheheh
*moma kan o rang*

And yeah, four years struggling to graduate from architecture has altered me. I get possessive of my works. They're mine! mine! mine! And if something goes wrong, it'll break my heart (hey, wait a sec... I'm heartless... err... whatever it is, I know something's broken... ankle, maybe?). And I won't stop revising. and revising. and revising. Just like the energizer bunny.
It's another sign, Ow yes, it is.
Give.me.deadline.

ohohohohohoho muohohohohoho
*or else. energizer bunny. enough said*

And after my work has finished. I'll still find flaws and criticize with all my heart and soul (err... I don't have any soul too... but well, for the sake of humanity... wait, I'm not even a human... well be it). And eventually I felt retarded for not noticing that error. And I go grumpy.
It's the final sign. Finally, it is.
*senggol.bacok.lagi*

ehehehehehhehehehehe mweheheheheheh
*mulai.joged.dangdut*


---
TiQi Bo
But well... Don't believe what I write... it's just my midnite craze talking...
I summon the power of deadliiiiine! Yeaaaaahhhh!!!!

question marks

Why don't you believe?
When I said the right things about me.
The true self that lies beneath.

Why must it be inherited?
Printed in all of my documents.
But not in my physical self.

What is left to judge?
The reflection I see every single time in the mirror.
The shadow I stepped on every single day.

I am who I am.
Not asking to be proven.
Not wanting to be claimed.

---
TiQi Bo

showing compassion

I may not be able to give you those sweet words you wanted to hear, but I promise you these are what you need to hear..
I may not be able to give you full attention as you were talking, but I promise you these ears are doing their job, listening not hearing..
I may not be able to give you affections you got from other person, but I promise you these arms are always open to hold you when you're down..

You may not be able to see me in a crowd, but I promise you, I'll be there when the show is over..
You may not be able to see me chat restlessly about how you succeed, but I promise you, I'll give you a pat in your back, the support that you need..
You may not be able to see me remembering all the major events in your life, but I promise you, I'll let you know the details..

And you can thank me later
For showing compassion in a way you never have a clue.

---
TiQi Bo
hey you, it's not that I don't care about the matters you told me. I just think they're stupid. They're your past. Deal with it, and move on.

if a secret makes a woman

Mummy, I have a confession
But before, did you remember that a secret makes a woman?
Well, I'm one hell of a woman, alright...

Mummy, I need to confess
But before, did you remember that white lies are forgivable?
Well, you can say, I'm a saint...

Mummy, please listen to me confessing
But before, did you remember that making other people smile is a good thing?
Well, I have a great amount of saving of good things...

Mummy, here's a thing
I'm no immaculate person, that we know
I'm no good at saving anything, that we know
I'm not even a complete woman yet, that we also know

Mummy, I don't need to say a thing, don't I?
You know it all.
You just don't know the details.

And for that...
That's why sometimes they call me a woman...

I love you Mummy! :)

---
TiQi Bo

A full week with 14 different individuals

After prajab stories, this time, I wanted to share stories of the 7 days I spent with 14 different person... :)

day 1 - always a procrastinator
Bo: *texting Ayyu* hey, if you're on your way to pick me up, lemme know *preparing to get some sleep*
Ayyu: *3 minutes after I texted her* I'm on my way.
*nooooo, my precious sleeping time! Ayyu! you ruin my plans!*

bluetooth from my DSLR?
Mega: I would love to have the shot!
Bo: Sure, I'll bluetooth them right from my DSLR! *smirking*
Mega: Dammit, my cellphone's dead!
Bo: *whoa, she believes that my dslr could do bluetooth?* uhm, awraity then, I'll mobile upload them... :)
Mega: your camera could do that as well?
*krikrikrik... Megaaaa... naive! :))*

Is it possible?
Febri: Ah, no one got a tele... :(
Bo: yeah, mine's as standard as it could be... hey! I got an idea... how about we glue your lens and mine together! would it be a 18 - 110 mm lens?
Febri: :)) nice! let's find that glue...
*wokaaay,,, mas Febri has gone mad!*

I'm always sick, mas!
Febri: so, since when did you lost your sanity?
Bo: hehehehehe... since forever, didn't you know?
Febri: First time I knew you, you look sane...
Bo: I need to get to know people first to show who I really am, mas... and yes,,, me. insane. >:)
*giving Febri a pat on his back... 'maap mas, temanmu ini memang agak gak waras'*

that's for today... I'll continue them... maybe it's better in Bahasa :D

---
TiQi Bo
missing what I have lost... it's trully normal, rite?

What I wanted

saya cuma ingin...
kamu mengerti saya
bahkan ketika saya tidak mengerti diri saya sendiri

sepertinya, terlalu sulit.

---
TiQi Bo
I'm in the middle of prajab at the moment, so uhm... I'll post my prajab moments when it's done.
Hey You, I'm crossing my fingers here... I need a reply, You... but I guessed I asked a lot, didn't I?
Hey You, I missed you so much, you know... You may sometimes been forgotten, but I promise you, you were never second for me...
Aku.pengen.nonton.cin[T]a. siapa yang mo nemenin (dan bayarin)? give me a call... tidak menerima esemes dan IM, huehehehe...

Sebuah e-mail dari konsultan kampretski gw:

Untuk penggunaan kata IBU dalam penyebutan nama sampeyan, itu semata-mata rasa hormat saya kepada sampeyan khususnya dan kaum hawa pada umumnya. Sebagai orang jawa tulen saya diajarin orang tua saya untuk menghormati kaum hawa seperti itu. Tapi kalau memang sampeyan tidak berkenan maka ijinkan saya memanggil MBAK. Bolehkan......???

E-mail itu datang, setelah gw protes nggak mau dipanggil 'ibu'. Bukan kenapa2, I don't think I've deserved to be called in that state. Maybe someday, but not in the near future.
I don't like to be point out as 'sampeyan' either... or 'panjenengan'... OK, gw tidak suka bahasa Jawa, terutama pada bagian pengkastaan kromo inggil, kromo, ngoko... *hey, I got FIVE in my annual report when I was in my last year of junior high for javanese subject...*. Gw lebih suka dipanggil 'kamu', hyahahahaha...
Enihoooo, tu konsultan juga nggak pernah manggil gw 'ibu' setiap ketemu... kenapa pas ngimel gw, dya brubah jadi penuh sopan santun yang nggak penting banget gitu siy?


After all,, mungkin bener kata Taz, I'm growing up... *except the part of my OBVIOUS protest of the title 'Ibu'*,,, hmm... maybe growing up is an option I must consider...
OK, mungkin gw harus mulai dengan tidak membawa gembolan ke kantor dan menggantinya dengan handbag? Atau mengganti flat shoes yang lebih mirip sneakers dengan sepatu berhak? Atau melakukan lebih dari sekedar nempelin bedak dan make lipgloss di muka? Atau mengganti pilihan jam tangan yang berbahan plastik ini dengan sesuatu yang kotak dan berbahan metal? Atau mulai menyisir rambut kalau ke kantor? Atau mulai berjalan dengan normal dan berusaha tidak berlarian atau melompat2 di lorong kantor? Atau...
fiuh... banyak sekali konsekuensi untuk menjadi dewasa, rupanya... ah, sudahlah... saya menikmati glundungan di lorong kantor, kok...

---
TiQi Bo
I opted not to grow up for this while...