I have that nightmare again

As long as I remembered, the first time I had this series of nightmare is when I was in college. Disn't matter how the plot went, the story ended up in the same condition, I lost the man that I look up to.
And then I woke up feeling really anxious, like I wanna throw up and cry at the same time. The feeling was so real, seems like I am reaching his hands for the last time.
And I ended up crying and convinced myself that it was only a nightmare. The result of missing him so bad.
Sometimes I hate dreaming. Everytime I dremt about loosing tooth, at a coincidence, someone passed away. I remember knocking at Pip's door early in the morning and just sit by her bed holding my feet just so it won't tremble when I read the sms' in my phone. And there it went... a bad news came... My mum always tried to sooth me that it was only coincidence, a result of tooth ache. And I am still struggling to believe in that.
But this nightmare, the nightmare of loosing him, made me sit on my bedside again, holding my cellphone, trying my best not to go panic and call him. It was only 5 in the morning. I guess it's time to say my prayer, and the dream was only a reminder.
I have never told him about this, I have never told anyone about his. And this time, I am saying this on public. I don't know who to talk to, really. This thing sound ridiculous, but it bothers me so much. I will end up being grumpy for the rest of the day.
I wanted and tried to call someone that I know, but it felt so hard. Who would've understand? It's my personal issue, so I should've solve it by myself.
Argh, be it... I'll just stop here, I don't know where to start.


Have I fail your expectances?
Have I ever make you proud?
Have I accomplished everything you wished for me?
Have I ever say this thing?
I wanted to say this, whisper it at your ears and hug you so tight...
I love you, Dad, I really do... Don't leave me yet, I still need you...
I even couldn't afford loosing you in my dreams.

Now can you just kiss me goodnight and close the door for me, Dad?
And, as usual, leave the lights on...


---
Tikki Mahayanti

PS: I know it's just me being selfish, knowing that all human are mortals.