I.N.V.U

I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent

Those words can't cover how I felt
Those words are shields of my loneliness
Those words are what kept me going on

And today, as my common sense touchdown the ground
I looked away, envying you so.

For that simple thing.
No, I wasn't envying your beauty, or your perfect body, or how smart you are, or how much money you got.
I was envying you, mummy picked you up.

And for that, I felt so lonely for a second.
I wish mummy was here to pick me up.
Take me home the grumpy me.

I'm not faking a smile anymore.
I'm not that independent.
I. N. V. U

I'm here... I just don't want to be found...

What's the point of feeling lonely? So that you could know how blessed you are having persons in your life... *berasa nyanyi show me the meaning of being lonelynya BSB,,, hedeh... jadul bets... =p*
I'm a loner, Always were and always will...
I disappear before your eyes, and suddenly you can't find me anywhere...
It's not that I am gone, I am always here, I just don't want to be found.

You don't need an effort to push me away
I know it's my time to retreat and step down from my place
I may be hurt, I my felt sorry
But I think you have the right to know who I really am

I am not hiding a stretch of a smile on my face
I will not hide the facts that I enjoyed things that not everybody enjoyed
I will not runaway from the truth

I'm always here, leaving a spot for you by my side, preparing my ears to listen to your stories
If you can't find me anywhere, believe me, I don't want to be found
You just need to sit on your spot tell your stories
Because I am still here, I just don't want to be found

---
TiQi Bo

what if?

what if God replied all my sorrow with a single sentence?
'where have you been, when you're all happy?'
'kemane aje lu, kalo lu seneng?'
'kowe kie neng ndi wae, pas seneng?'
'ale ni pi kamana, kalo ale rasa snang?'

I would have replied with an honest answer:
'I've been forgetting to thank to You at that time'
in 25 different languages if I have to...

and here I am, when I'm all down and wishful...
suddenly remembered God exists.
And blame it all for God's blindness and ignorrance.

What if God answer all my raging madness with a single sentence?
'have you looked yourself in the mirror lately?'
not in words, but by signs I saw in my daily life.

Astagfirullah.
I haven't thank God lately.
by any means or ways.


---
TiQi Bo
hey, don't judge me by a single post, mate... You might be surprised of how different I am in real life... *owh, if I even have a real life...*

the world beyond your home

'Mummy, this world is too frightening for me... Can I just go back home and be there under your watch?'
I remembered when I first stepped out from my parent's house to stay in Yogya. My daddy drove the car filled with my stuffs. Mummy was beside him, being a navigator as usual. And I was sitting at the passenger's seat along with all the boxes. The ride took around 1.5 hours. The longest hours for me at that time.
I was a rebel girl. Through my high school years, I never agreed a single thing my Mum said. I slam the door right at my Daddy's face. It wasn't something that I'm proud of. I use to think that I'm better than they were. That they weren't proud enough with all of my achievements. My selfish thoughts.
And that 1.5 hours ride, I thought it was my freedom way. And Yogya was my freedom gate. Finally, I have a space for my own.
My Daddy dropped my stuffs and arrange them up for me in my new room. My Mummy tried to touch my head or my hand, which I completely ignored. I was too excited picturing the life I would have without listening to my Mum being chatty or my Daddy in his silence.
By the moment they were ready to go, my Daddy hugged me, gave me a kiss, and pat my head and my Mummy said, 'I am leaving this trust with you, we believe that you wouldn't let us down. We won't be like other parents who checked their kids 24/7 because we know, you could take care of yourself. Just think before you act, because you are our only daughter'
By that time, I have no idea about the things my Mummy said. I don't have a clue for the things my Daddy did. I was only 17, and acted like I was 5.
Now, 6 years have passed me by. I've traveled to so many different places. I've met so many different person. I've been through so many different conditions. And I haven't finished this journey of mine.
But now, I understand the words that my Mum said was a big thing. She didn't gave me money, gadgets, or anything else, but she gave me her trust. I have the right to choose everything on my own with my parent's full support, because they knew I would not let them down. Now I know that not all parents gave their daughter, their only daughter the chance to be away from them. Not to mention of being a Javanese. Now I know how hard it is for them to let me go, let me step out from the house.
Now I understand, my Daddy's gestures was the way to say that 'you are my precious' to me. My Daddy never talked much. He never complained the things I did. He was always there when I did my stupidity. Watch me and make sure that I could get up after my fall. I have to admit, it was him who I turn to when I met my dead end. After I talked to my Mummy.
It took me 5 years to realize and 1 year to understand. I am still trying to understand as I live my life at the moment. How lucky I am to have them as my parents. They may not be the best parents I've ever met, but for me, they're perfect.
Today, I won't be ashamed of holding your hands, or bringing your stuffs, or introducing you to my friends, or saying how much I love you. Because I won't let you two down.
so, hugs and kisses, I love you.

---
Tikki Mahayanti
hmm, King, I haven't decide about you yet... ahahaha... I guess I love you too, King! =p
*awh, writing this post brings up memories for me... hmmm... I need tissues here..*

'autistic' and 'blackboxing'

I like you, don't you know?
I just don't know how to show it to you
And even if I express them to you, I doubt you understand my words

this head of mine, if you could see them thoroughly, you'd see chaos with me trying to unwind them in the middle
and I'm not asking you to sit there and unwind them with me, cos I'd completely ignore your existence

this head of mine, if you could step yourself in, you'd saw a huge dimmed room with me holding an LED lamp trying to struggle my fear of darkness
and I'm not asking you to sit here and try to protect me from absolute darkness

I like you,
all your spontaneous things, the way we misunderstood each other, all your words which I agree

I just don't know how to show them to you
maybe because you needed to see if the world fits in your picture frame
maybe because I needed to learn how to communicate better

don't give up on me now...
because I haven't gave up on me...

---
Tikki Mahayanti
hey, world... I'm home! yay! I missed my yogurt bottles already... No yogurt available in this late night here... dammit! But hey, look at the fridge! gimme the juice, the es cendol, the foods...
My mind is tangled at this moment... and I need to set them straight... god, I need help here...

Sebuah e-mail dari konsultan kampretski gw:

Untuk penggunaan kata IBU dalam penyebutan nama sampeyan, itu semata-mata rasa hormat saya kepada sampeyan khususnya dan kaum hawa pada umumnya. Sebagai orang jawa tulen saya diajarin orang tua saya untuk menghormati kaum hawa seperti itu. Tapi kalau memang sampeyan tidak berkenan maka ijinkan saya memanggil MBAK. Bolehkan......???

E-mail itu datang, setelah gw protes nggak mau dipanggil 'ibu'. Bukan kenapa2, I don't think I've deserved to be called in that state. Maybe someday, but not in the near future.
I don't like to be point out as 'sampeyan' either... or 'panjenengan'... OK, gw tidak suka bahasa Jawa, terutama pada bagian pengkastaan kromo inggil, kromo, ngoko... *hey, I got FIVE in my annual report when I was in my last year of junior high for javanese subject...*. Gw lebih suka dipanggil 'kamu', hyahahahaha...
Enihoooo, tu konsultan juga nggak pernah manggil gw 'ibu' setiap ketemu... kenapa pas ngimel gw, dya brubah jadi penuh sopan santun yang nggak penting banget gitu siy?


After all,, mungkin bener kata Taz, I'm growing up... *except the part of my OBVIOUS protest of the title 'Ibu'*,,, hmm... maybe growing up is an option I must consider...
OK, mungkin gw harus mulai dengan tidak membawa gembolan ke kantor dan menggantinya dengan handbag? Atau mengganti flat shoes yang lebih mirip sneakers dengan sepatu berhak? Atau melakukan lebih dari sekedar nempelin bedak dan make lipgloss di muka? Atau mengganti pilihan jam tangan yang berbahan plastik ini dengan sesuatu yang kotak dan berbahan metal? Atau mulai menyisir rambut kalau ke kantor? Atau mulai berjalan dengan normal dan berusaha tidak berlarian atau melompat2 di lorong kantor? Atau...
fiuh... banyak sekali konsekuensi untuk menjadi dewasa, rupanya... ah, sudahlah... saya menikmati glundungan di lorong kantor, kok...

---
TiQi Bo
I opted not to grow up for this while...

The l(e)ast beautiful girl

It won't be the first heart that you break
It won't be the last beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl
in the world
-The last beautiful girl, Matchbox 20

I like this song nowadays... A little too late, I know.. even a decade too late, but well so be it, hehehe... Taz said that it's such a great song since the song was about a guy being broken up but still have the self ego to say he could cope and the girl was not worthed enough. Dini said she also like the song and had a cassette which was brought to her by myformerclassmatewhowasherformerboyfriend *yup, the relationship seems complicated, I know... huahahah*
Have you ever broke a heart? I have. Many times, hehe... whether I realized it or not. And for them, sometimes I felt bad. Sometimes, lhooooo...
I once wrote on my blog *I forgot which blog... as usual* that I once read a book 'diorama sepasang al banna' *yes, that book was given by a friend! would that explain to you, where did I get the book?*. There was written: 'dari semua perempuan, yang cantik, yang pintar, yang kaya, pilihlah yang baik agamanya...' *freefalling translations of the book, mate..*. Then, I closed the book. The book was so scary for me. let's have a check box shall we... cantik? huehehehe... my friends would laugh out loud... well, we'll pass this criteria *teman2 macam apa kaliaaaan? ckckcckck, jangan terlalu jujur ah...*, pintar? pppffffffffttttt... *ok, we'll pass this criteria too*, tajir? *melongok dompet... ok, tinggal selembar ungu2, atm... balancenya masih nol (kapan 80% itu turuuuun? kapaaaaaaaaaan?), mengais2 kantong, bunyinya krincing... T.T >.<* so, shall we pass this one too? yuk, mari..., and the last criteria would be... jengjeeeeeng... agama... *Ih, Bo... omongan lu beurat pisaaaan... meuni gaya, ah...* hyak... bubar grak, sodara2... terima kasih sudah membaca blog saya yang tidak jelas juntrungannya ini,,,,
I have come to a conclusion, anyway... I won't seek for a perempuan! *bletaaaaaakkk...* =p... Well, Mamak *who has just lost her baby to be... please accept my deepest condolence, Mak... ah, speechless* once said to me: Ini dia ni, bocah, alasan kenapa gw ga mo kawin ma perempuan,,, ribeeeeeet... Ok, Mamak... confirmed! *I missed Mamak... -hug2 Mamak...-*
Ehm2... anyway, I won't fall for a male *yes, human being with penis on their body...* just by those four bloody criteria I have wrote up there... I would fall for someone that could make me smile. That's enough for me...

---
TiQi Bo
iya kan? buat apa punya lelaki ganteng, tajir, pinter, soleh,,, tapi lu nangis mulu? you only live once, mate!

I never did it before, so let it be the first

saat post ini dipublish, nun jauh di Bali sana,,, Mami Lie sedang lembur,,, ninggalin Odie ma Koko... poor Odie... sini, sama tante aja,,, hyahahahah... Dan, secara mengejutkan, Inchan menolak ajakan ke Kudeta *dan ajep2* dan dengan suka rela nglembur bantu Mama Lie,,, padahal biasanya jam stengah tujuh malem udah kabur dari kantor... wah2, pertanda apakah ini? dunia memang aneh... Anyway! SMANGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!

There's always a first time for every thing. For the first time, by all my consciousness, I chose to appear permanently offline for a person. Well, I have appear offline to another person before, but I did that to do a joke on me, hehe.
I always thought that appearing offline would mean really chicken. By hiding from someone forever. But this time, I did that to gain my own self. I did that because I have no other option. That person didn't give me another option.
And after I appear offline, apparently the person's status was full of joy. Not questioning like the person used to do.
And this morning, a friend of mine told me abot a person that appeared permanently offline to her, finally appeared online.

Bo: So, what did you do?
A friend: I encouraged myself to start the conversation
Bo: Then?
A friend: He didn't reply. He totally ignored me.

I mumble to myself. Would I do the same? I tried to did my best, pretend that me and that person I appeared offline for had a normal kind of friendship. I tried so hard. But I realized that I could not change that person's point of view, as that person couldn't change mine. I gave the person chances to stop and just leave everything right on it's place. But that didn't happen.
So was I wrong to appear offline permanently to the person? I really don't know. I guess the person is better off without me being online in the person's YM list. And I would hold up my anger and tears and save them for something else worthed.
And there will always be a blessing in disguise for everything. I got accompanied sometimes by the chief of dark community. Together we would wait for the dawn community to show up, haha. Thank you for all the stupid riddles, chief!

Chief: telor apa yang ditakutin ma telor2 lainnya?
Bo: pass... hahahah...
Chief: Telor asin, soalnya punya tato (cap)
Bo: *LOLz*
Chief: Telor apa yang ditakutin ma telor asin?
Bo: Gw tau! Gw tauuuu!!! Telor puyuuuuuh!
Chief: Lah, kok tau?
Bo: Kan tatonya lebih banyaaaaak....
hueheheheheheheheh...
I know, it's stupid.


So, this is where it ends. In this crossroad. I'll head that way, and I won't see where will you head. I won't say anything about this, rather than that I would say 'I'll meet you in another crossroads on my life. Thanks for the accompany all along, mate!'


---
TiQi Bo
Trying to remind my own self that there will always be a blessing in disguise...

It's official

Sori lama gag apdet...
banyak hal terjadi blakangan ini... *dan, kantor gw gada internetnya lagi, jadi maafkan kalo lama gag online*
well, it's official now:
1. I've moved to Bali. gatau mpe brapa lama, doakan saja gw betah... mengingat kebiasaan gw yang pengen menclok2 gontaganti gawean *travelling terselubung*. Skarang gw gawe di www.gfabarchitects.com, silakan di cek websitenya.
2. I'm officially single and available! *plisde, sungguh gag penting... emang kapan juga status gw ganti, ahahahaah, never is the right answer...*
3. Motor supra gw dijual, motor kesayangan gw yang udah hampir 9 taun nemenin gw berplat AD4577MK akhirnya dijual... diganti ma... engh, gatau apa... nanti gw apdet lagi de... Oh, gw sangatsangatsangatsangat kangen ma Supra gw... dya ga pernah ngambek walo gw hajar suru muter2 ringroad demi alasan yang gw sendiri ga ngerti, hehe...

that's all for today...
Bila ada sumur di ladang, bolehkah saya menumpang mandi
Bila ada umur yang panjang, bolehkah saya pergi jalan2 dulu sebelum kembali?

ahahahahaah....

cheers!

---
TiQi Bo

Personal DNA Test?

Minggu lalu *kalo gag salah, hehe... lali... wis suwe, pokokmen... kenapa baru di post skarang? Only God knows and my laziness knows why, akakakakakak*, gw nyoba2 menjawab pertanyaan2 yang di web ini... daaaaaan... hasilnya adalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah:

You are a Reserved Inventor.

apa maksutnyaaaaaaaaaaa? *setelah dibaca, ternyata ada penjelasan di bawah hasil tes ituh...

You are an Inventor

Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR. gemar berkhayal, berimajinasi superduper ngaco, *sifat want to know* yang tinggi, hahah... I should have become an inventor...

You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done. Ya iya laaaaaahhhh... Kadang over confident malah, ahahahaha... Dan alternatif2 yang gw pikirkan, seringkali gag masuk akal... -_-'

The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be. See, I don't believe that you can't do something, just because people tell you that you will fail... Discover the world, see it from a different perspective...

Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work. Ergghhh, no comment... I have a lot of problems anyway... And some are unsloved...

Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps. Ehehehehe, let's play puzzle, shall we? Finding the missing pieces...

Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects. Yeah, rite... gw jadi tau kalo telunjuk bisa digunakan sebagai indikator penyakit... *kata nyokap gw, gw penderita penyakit nunjuk... stiap jalan ma gw, kalo gw pengen sesuatu, gw pasti nunjuk, ga ngomong... ahahahaah, telunjuk... really useful*

It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine. Getting lost? Yes, it's an excitement... Believe me...

Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics. no comment...

You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you. Ahahahah, terlalu antusias kadang bisa bikin gw gila... wait a sec, gw emang gila... kwkwkwk...

itu buat 'inventor'nya... trus...

You are Reserved

You are RESERVED – you aren't someone who always needs to have others around, and you find you can handle most situations on your own. I like to be by myself, but I hate to be alone... get it? Blahh... don't mind...

You can be very happy spending time alone, and enjoy your own thoughts and ideas. Ehehehe, dengan kapasitas kepala yang berisi udara ini, gw perlu buanyaaaaak waktu untuk mencerna perkataan orang... Jadi, kalo lu minta pendapat gw sesegera mungkin, it'll be hard... karena gw bakal ngaco... *dan kemudian kpala gw meledak, kwkwkwk* -_-'

You find it difficult to understand why some people get so emotional and tell everyone else their problems. TRUE! TRUE!!! Knapa orang ngomong ke semuaaaa orang, tentang masalah yang dia hadapi, si? Cukup beberapa orang aja yang lu percaya, itu udah cukup...

You believe that if you want to get something done, it is best to do it yourself. Yup! You can't rely on others kan yah? That's why I'm learning to do everything that I wanted to do...

Despite your independence, you are not a closed-minded person who makes hasty judgments about others. You know that it isn't always easy to walk in other people's shoes. Hahah, other people's shoes... Let's not think about how it smells... mwahahahah

At times other people's feelings are puzzling to you, and you wish that people were more rational. Please, sit down and relax, think clearly first... please...

Your vision of the world is complex – your values are not set in stone. Instead, you are able to change your beliefs as you learn new information. hahah, world is something I should discover... dan gw berusaha untuk menyesuaikan diri, tanpa kehilangan diri gw... hahah, bahasa gw... sok iyeh...

nah, yang ditulis dengan warna beda ituh, pendapat gw, kwkwkwkwkwk


notabersambung: di situ juga ada laporan tentang diri lu... and guess what? gw ga punya empati! Gag punya! ada siy, tapi nilenya cuma 2 dari 100! kwkwkwkwk... Openness gw tinggi, tapi extroversion gw rendah... I'm really complex am I?


---
TiQi Bo...

He's there, somewhere

He's there, Bo.. why don't you say something?
I dunno, I would love to, but my tongue, and fingers just stopped and hang in the air
He's there, Bo... why don't you say something?
I have always been someone who listens, then I talk or debate. I dunno how to start.
He's there, Bo.. say something, for God's sake...
It's hard for me to start something I have left. And it's even harder for me realizing, if I start again, it'll end up the same way again.
He's there, Bo... say something, you fool!
What should I talk about? There's nothing we have in common, and if I talk it'll just end up with him being hurt, or me being hurt.
He's there, Bo... move it!
I would be really glad to have some conversation, but how would my first line be? 'How's your day? Do you remember who I am?'.

Oh, well... now he's not there again.
And another day goes by with me just stare at letters spelled after his name
Another day goes by without me doing something that could've make things better between us
Another day goes by with my secrets and worries sealed within my mind...

Dear God, I'm sorry cause I'm only human
Dear God, I'm sorry that I've neglected you
Dear God, You must know what am I babbling about, right?
Dear God,,,

I really need some contemplation...

Update,,updates...

1. Temen gw protes, knapa apdetan blog gw ada Cinta Lauranya... gw tanya dya, knapa emang? Dya bilang dya gag suka banget ma Cinta Laura.
Trus? does it seems like I care? hahah, jahatnyaaaaa.... Cinta Lauraaaaa, aku padamuuuuu... kwkwkwkwkw
2. Om gw tampaknya menjadi pembaca blog gw... Namun sayang seribu sayang, beliau tidak menemukan cara ngasi komen ke blog gw... jadi ya, om ya... di bawah setiap post, ada tulisan comment gitu... Om silakan ngeklik, trus silakan menulis komen... Jadi, gag dikirim via imel, Om... hawhawhaw...
3. Dini jarang ada di Bandung... akyu kesepian, cintaaaaa... (najong yeuh?). Jadi, untuk beberapa saat gw gak nyasar2, thank God... tapi kangen juga si, nyasar ma Dini, walo udah bawa peta, menegaskan kalo gw bener2 buta arah... Yay!!
4. Gw bener2 butuh tidur dengan amat sangat... (owh, update yang gag penting de, Bo...). See why architects never grow old? because they die young... hakhak. Gw tanya temen gw, dya juga nglembur... oh mai got... i'm gonna die young...
5. Gw sedang bingung menghadapi kerasnya dunia...halah, kapan gw gag bingung... Gw cuman luarnya doang kliatan pinter (ho'o pooooo, lu siy emang kliatan cengo luar dalem, Bo...). Pada dasarnya gw selalu bingung siy... cuman entah knapa, temen2 gw nganggep gw ngerti2 aja... hahah, teman2 ampuni aku kalau aku menjerumuskan kalian... maaaaaaaaaappppp...
6. Gw bingung mo terus ngeblog apa enggak, serius... gw lagi nyari2 domain baru yang terdengar gw banget, tapi gag banyak orang tau... soalnya, kluarga besar gw udah pada tau alamat ini, hahah... bukannya gw gag suka siy, cuman gw jadi gag bisa ngomongin sodara2 gw, hahah... kan nggak enaaaaaakkk...

yah, begitulah sekelumit apdetan blog gw... doakan gw teman2, semoga gw bisa dengan tabah menjalani dunia fana ini dengan sebaik2nya...

---
TiQi Bo